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Hero Checklist for a long and happy life:
Step One: Don’t be a hero.
Step Two: If by some horrible miscalculation, a man finds himself a hero, then he should not, under any circumstances, accept a “quest.” Particularly one including magical rings, swords in stones, or any talk of “chosen ones.” Quests, after all, are only death with a lot of walking beforehand.
Step Three: If said hero is so foolish as to actually find himself on a quest, he is advised to run heroically for the nearest exit. He’ll die anyway, but if the gods are kind, he’ll do so with an ale in his hand.
P.S. The gods are never kind.
Step Four: If the unfortunate soul is unable to find an exit—or at least one not containing a rampaging troll—he should, by any means necessary, ensure that there are as many people between him and the troll as possible in the hopes that it won’t be hungry by the time it reaches him.
P.S. Trolls are always hungry.
Step Five: If all else fails and a hero finds himself confronting a mythical monster or a magic-wielding necromancer, he is to draw his sword. It won’t help, but it will give him something to do while he waits to die.
Step Six: If “death” outcome is unacceptable, see steps 1-4.
Dannen Ateran had never gone so far as to write the list out, but he knew it by heart. He ought to, as he had been telling it to himself for years and himself—fool that he was—had been ignoring it for just as long.
So it was that he found himself standing beside Fedder, Mariana, and Tesler, watching as an undead dragon soared toward them.
And if, by some feat of magic or luck—with undead dragons, skill rarely factored into it—they survived, there was only the little issue of a master swordsman and his necromancer brother to worry about, not to mention an undead horde.
Plenty of ways to die, then, if a man liked a little variety with his suffering.
And the week was just getting started.
Don't Feed the Trolls is book two of The Antiheroes, an epic fantasy series by Jacob Peppers, the author of the bestselling grimdark fantasy series The Seven Virtues. It is a tale of mythical creatures and magic, of swordsmen, necromancers and undead hordes. Do you enjoy character driven fantasy with a lot of action and humor? Then come and enjoy the fun. Just...don't feed the trolls, alright?
It only makes them hungrier.
Genre: Fantasy
Step One: Don’t be a hero.
Step Two: If by some horrible miscalculation, a man finds himself a hero, then he should not, under any circumstances, accept a “quest.” Particularly one including magical rings, swords in stones, or any talk of “chosen ones.” Quests, after all, are only death with a lot of walking beforehand.
Step Three: If said hero is so foolish as to actually find himself on a quest, he is advised to run heroically for the nearest exit. He’ll die anyway, but if the gods are kind, he’ll do so with an ale in his hand.
P.S. The gods are never kind.
Step Four: If the unfortunate soul is unable to find an exit—or at least one not containing a rampaging troll—he should, by any means necessary, ensure that there are as many people between him and the troll as possible in the hopes that it won’t be hungry by the time it reaches him.
P.S. Trolls are always hungry.
Step Five: If all else fails and a hero finds himself confronting a mythical monster or a magic-wielding necromancer, he is to draw his sword. It won’t help, but it will give him something to do while he waits to die.
Step Six: If “death” outcome is unacceptable, see steps 1-4.
Dannen Ateran had never gone so far as to write the list out, but he knew it by heart. He ought to, as he had been telling it to himself for years and himself—fool that he was—had been ignoring it for just as long.
So it was that he found himself standing beside Fedder, Mariana, and Tesler, watching as an undead dragon soared toward them.
And if, by some feat of magic or luck—with undead dragons, skill rarely factored into it—they survived, there was only the little issue of a master swordsman and his necromancer brother to worry about, not to mention an undead horde.
Plenty of ways to die, then, if a man liked a little variety with his suffering.
And the week was just getting started.
Don't Feed the Trolls is book two of The Antiheroes, an epic fantasy series by Jacob Peppers, the author of the bestselling grimdark fantasy series The Seven Virtues. It is a tale of mythical creatures and magic, of swordsmen, necromancers and undead hordes. Do you enjoy character driven fantasy with a lot of action and humor? Then come and enjoy the fun. Just...don't feed the trolls, alright?
It only makes them hungrier.
Genre: Fantasy
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