Ross Patterson

Who the shit am I? A New York Times Best Selling Author. A Lover. A fighter. A door-to-door used sweater salesman. I'm that dude who doesn't pull out with strangers, especially on vacation... and I've been to Cozumel. That's in Mexico.

 If you feel jealous after reading that, you should be. Mexico is awesome. I do dope shit. I once babysat a kid who just graduated college.

 I'm trustworthy, but I'll still go through your medicine cabinet. I'll watch you sleep for weeks on end outside your house, just because I can. I'll give your dog a Snickers bar if I feel like "he's not being himself". 

This is who I am. This is my life. If this is too hot for you, rewire all the electrical outlets inside your kitchen.